The gloves are off. And by that I mean I just downed a vodka and tonic and am ready to review some dresses that some people wore that one time. Here’s my (very condensed) list of best & worst dressed from the 2012 Met Gala. Let’s do this, bitches.
THE ONES I REALLY REALLY DO QUITE LIKE
January Jones in Versace.
A good friend of mine once told me that “blondes can’t wear yellow”. I slapped her.
So nice to see the ever-flattering peplum trend amped up on the red carpet. Strapless gowns and statement necklaces exist to be worn together, and this Cartier piece doesn’t disappoint. Love the reflective accents on the bodice. January Jones beat Solange Knowles and Emma Roberts in the strapless-yellow-peplum-gown competition.
Camilla Belle in Ralph Lauren
STOP IT. JUST STOP IT.
Lana Del Rey in Joseph Altuzarra
GET RID OF THAT HORRENDOUS CAPE YOU SAUCY MINX. You are not a death eater. This dress is perfect. The cape? Not so much.
Cameron Diaz in Stella McCartney
Re-igniting my backless gown fetish. Thanks hun.
Kate Upton in Michael Kors
How does one acquire a figure of this nature?
Katherine McPhee in Elie Saab
Elie Saab is my soulmate. I have no idea who Katherine McPhee is, but she’s a knockout in this citrus hued beaded creation. Neckline is plunging but not slutty. I love not looking slutty. I also love belts.
THE ONES WHO NEED TO TAKE A STEP BACK AND REEVALUATE
Carey Mulligan in Prada
I realise I’m going to cop it for this one, but I can’t stand this. I realise the Met Gala is a platform for celebutantes to go all out and push some sexy boundaries, but does this not remind you of a certain childhood story book?
That is all.
Mary-Kate Olsen in The Row
Bitch please. I have spent years worshipping you. You are the Ghandi of fashion. But in this dress, you have RIPPED MY HEART OUT OF MY CHEST AND STABBED IT WITH WHAT I PRESUME WOULD BE STILLETTOS BUT I CAN’T SEE THEM UNDER THIS HIDEOUS GOWN. ps. You look 100.
Beyonce Knowles in Givenchy Haute Couture
I love me some Beyonce, and I won’t deny her post-baby body is off chops, but this sheer black embroidered monstrosity with a purple ombre feathered train is just plain stupid. Are you a peacock? No, no you are not.
Kristen Stewart in Balenciaga
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Did you buy that bustier from Ice in what, ’05? Colour blocking is on the way out, sister. I also feel it is necessary for me to point out the complete and utter disaster happening south of the Twilight star’s ankles. While I’m down here, HER LEGS DO NOT MATCH THE COLOUR OF HER FACE. They say you should look in the mirror and remove one thing before you leave the house. In this case, it’s the bronzer. Scrub your face babe, this isn’t schoolies.
THE ONES WHO HAVE LEFT ME ON THE FENCE
Scarlett Johansson in Dolce & Gabbana.
I just.... don’t know. I love a good embroidered bodice, I love a sweetheart neckline, I’m MAD for a bit of off the shoulder action, and I firmly believe that Miss Johansson can rock a tulle mermaid skirt. But all at once? It’s like she’s wearing the top half of one dress and the bottom half of an entirely different one. Too much going on here babe.
Jessica Alba in Michael Kors
I’m a big fat Michael Kors fan (see Kate Upton) but I just feel... uneasy? Jessica Alba is queen of babes, and her hair and makeup are perfection as per usual, but there’s something about this one shouldered molten metallic number that's a little bit Bianca Jagger, a little bit aerobics video. A chic aerobics video, but an aerobics video nonetheless. I guess that’s just what gold lamé does to me.
Chloe Sevingy in Miu Miu
I do love mirrors and I do love geometry. I also love dresses that don’t show off my ugly sports bra and boy shorts combo. Don’t do this to me Chloe.
Heidi Klum in Escada
She’s gorgeous but this ill fitting gown is just boring. Pull it together Heidi. Seal wasn’t even hot.
Let’s just end on this very, very sexy note.
You are so, so welcome.
All images courtesy of US Weekly